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Above: Doug Newhouse, sports genius.


Lounging his feet on the edge of his living-room couch, local sports fan Doug Newhouse is not satisfied with ESPN’s level of sports journalism.

“These ass-clowns have no idea what’s going on in sports,” Newhouse claimed while resting a bowl of Doritos on his pudgy belly. “I sit here. I watch sports all the time. The difference is that I’m not a dorkwad behind a desk with a suit and a tie.”

Newhouse, who graduated from IUPUI in 2002, claims to know more about sports than the common man.

“Hell, I even watch golf,” said Newhouse. “GOLF.”

Newhouse first realized his qualms with the Bristol, Connecticut-based journalism network when he was a teenager in the early 1990s.

“ESPN said that Peyton Manning was bound to be better than Ryan Leaf, despite Leaf being picked over Manning in their draft. I didn’t believe that bullshit,” said Newhouse.

Since 1995, Peyton Manning has been to the playoffs for a record streak of consecutive seasons, has set a record number of MVPs, and has won one Super Bowl with one of the winningest teams in NFL history.

Ryan Leaf is currently serving 10 years in prison.

“These guys just sit there all day and read off of a cue card. ESPN needs guys like me who actually know a thing or two about sports,” said Newhouse. “They need a common man who knows what the word on the street is.”

“Shut the hell up,” replied Tedy Bruschi, ESPN commentator who won three Super Bowls for the New England Patriots.

While the NBA playoffs are in full-swing, Newhouse, an Indiana resident, is disappointed that his hometown Indiana Pacers did not make the playoffs this year.

“They’re going to win it all next year. They’re bringing us back to the glory days,” said Newhouse.

Not only has Newhouse picked the Pacers to win the NBA title every year for the last 16 years…but they have never won an NBA title in their nearly 35 years of existence.
Appealing to viewers who prefer graphic television, The Discovery Channel announced on Thursday morning that a special two-hour edition of it's "How It's Made" series has been completed.

The feature episode will explain how babies are made in extreme detail.

"We don't want to give it all away just yet, but let me tell you, we purchased our high-definition cameras for a reason," said Discovery Channel Baby-Making Expert Alexander Morrow.

The two-hour episode will expand upon the long and mysterious process of human life, but more importantly, the act of its creation.

"The introduction to the show features a man with scruffly hair and a voluptuous woman exchanging phone numbers at a local laundromat," said Morrow. "It's really quite the scientific process."

By the first commercial break, the male and female protagonists have started to become very physical with one another.

"The remaining 108 minutes consist of unbridled, passionate, and noisy sex," said Morrow. "I mean, we're talking shit that's never been seen on television before. You know, hair-pulling, nipple-twisting, whips and chains...real kinky shit. This lady gets bent like a pretzel, and the guy giving it to her must have passed the Presidential Fitness Award, that's for sure."

All of this, according to a press release, will be narrated by Morgan Freeman.

"He's not only the best in the business, but he's one of the few narrators people can get off to," noted Morrow. "We turned down Al Gore for that reason."

The show's mature content, which normally isn't allowed on daytime TV, was deemed "acceptable" by the FCC not only because it's on a scientific channel, but also for educational reasons.

"I don't believe teenagers know what sex is," said FFC Spokesman Daniel Buck. "This would be a reasonable learning experience for them to watch with their parents."

While The Discovery Channel predicts ratings of over 100 million households for the one-time showing, they are not planning on filming a sequel.

"'How It's Born and Raised' just doesn't sound like an enjoyable use of our time," said Morrow. "Call us deadbeats, but no thanks."
Just days after telling his bosses at NBC that either he or Jay Leno must leave NBC, O'Brian has taken things one step further and demanded that NBC devote their entire channel to him.

"You know, I'm the head figure of this television station now," said O'Brian. "I'm the hottest thing among demographics 4 to 104, so I had might as well be on here all of the time."

O'Brien has worked as a writer for both Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons. According to the late-night star, this wide variety of experience should help him come up with other ideas for television shows.

"I mean, we have the Tonight Show. Why not a Today show? Or a This Afternoon Show?," suggested O'Brien. "Just imagine, a Four-in-the-Morning Show."



Conan O'Brien suggested to his directing staff that he even host a show or two on the beach, while he was "cleaning up the damn place."

Other ideas for filler TV programs hosted by Brian would be "Lunch With Conan," "Conan Takes an Early-Evening Nap," and "Conan Has Passionate, Meaningful Sex With His Wife, Live Onstage."

"This would be a fantastic way to get more young adults in on my show," said O'Brien. "Maybe if I get tired, Max Weinberg could take over."

(O'Brien suggested to LaFave News reporters that he was talking about hosting the show, not having passionate, meaningful sex with Conan's wife, live onstage.)

Conan O'Brien's wife has declined to comment.


Above: Real estate agent David Chapman stands beside his new purchase.

Despite its wordlwide-renown from The Beatles, it appears that Strawberry Fields will not be around forever.

David Chapman, a real estate tycoon from Houston, purchased the land this morning and has already leveled the strawberry crops, which has angered many Beatles fans. Chapman called a press conference hours ago to explain.

"Living is easy with eyes closed; misunderstanding all you see," said Chapman. "It's getting hard to be a realtor, but it all works out. It doesn't matter much to me," he said with a grin.

Strawberry Fields, which stretched for approximately 20 acres across the English countryside, has been reduced to a dirt plot. Chapman said he plans to use the $200,000 stretch of land to build either a waterpark or a casino.

"Imagine all the people living for today," Chapman added. "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll join us for waterslides and family fun."

Chapman concluded his brief press conference by offering tours of his new acquisition.

"Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going, too!" he said.
After using technology that had been outdated for millions of years, it appears that the Flintstones are now one of America's modern families.

Well, sort of.

After a domestic dispute with his wife, Wilma, Fred Flintstone decided he was fed up with their prior communications system, the "Stegophone." A Stegophone is a typical-looking telephone, except that it uses a baby stegosaurus to place intracelluar calls along pterodactyl-hung lines. Whatever the case, that prehistoric device is now a thing of the past, and the Flintstones are glad to be using basic dial-up internet.

"I say to my buddy Barney, we gotta find another way to do this. I tried to talk into a rock, but that wasn't working all too well," said Fred Flintstone. "So I pushed my car over to the SlateNet Communications office in the neighboring rocktown, and it looks like I'm going to be using the interrock."

The "interrock," as Flintstone calls it, is an extremely-basic form of internet that preceded even the shitty service that AOL provided in the early 1990s. Users in Bedrock can expect to open a HTML-based document in roughly 25 minutes, depending on how many capital letters are on the page.



"WILLLLMMAAAAA!," screams Fred Flintstone, after his wife leaves her floppy disk of dress photos in the family rockputer.

"I guess the times are changing," said his wife Wilma. "One moment, you're wiping your ass with some sandpaper, and now, you get this...thing."

Fred Flintstone plans to use his new "interrock" internet to browse rock types, look at pictures of rocks, and of course, for pornography.

"This is pretty grand old stuff. I had to take care of my Stegophone, but this thing, it only needs to be plugged in!" said Flintstone, who was mildly confused when his new computer didn't power on after plugging it into a boulder. "Son of a bitch," he added. "Fucking technology."

Notable Websites Hosted on the Bedrock Server:
-RockStars.slate: A home page for the figureheads of the quarry industry in Bedrock.
-FruityPebbles.rock: A website, hosted by Barney Rubble, dedicated to the seizure of his neighbor's breakfast cereals.
-Google.rock: Bedrock's search engine.
-RockedandStoned.crack: Bedrock's drug usage website.
-NiceBoulders.rock: A website that hosts pictures of beautiful ladies and their heavy boulders.

Finally, concerned parents across the nation have a game that they don't have to get their panties in a twist over.

Rockstar Games, the brainchild behind the ever-popular "Grand Theft Auto" series, announced on Sunday the production of a new, family-friendly video game that still keeps the engine of the original GTA series. Titled "Grand Theft Auto: Positive Impact," the series hopes to maintain a high-level of fun, while at the same time, corrupting young minds with ideals of citizenship and good nature.

"The game is similar to any other GTA game you've probably played before, except for one major change," said Rockstar Games President Michael Locan. "We really upped the bitch factor in this one."



Caption: The new Grand Theft Auto game features family-friendly conduct in an effort to better Rockstar's reputation. Fans of the series will quickly notice a change. Photo by: Jeff LaFave

GTA: Positive Impact focuses around the life of 17-year old Trevor Pinn, a high school student who strives to earn straight-As in his private, upper-class high school. Trevor learns life lessons as the game progresses through such deeds as helping friends with homework, mowing his neighbors' lawns, and participating in the local civic theatre.

"You really learn what it's like to be a total square with this game," said Locan. "Conformity and overprotective parental pressure are what we're striving for here."

Rockstar Games made the decision to switch the series' direction after concerned parents and lobbyists expressed disgust over the original game's complete saturation of violence. Now, video game critics are complaining about a very boring, watered-down game.

"Jesus Christ! What were they thinking?" said Electronic Gaming Monthly analyst Todd Crefler. "This is single-handedly the worst game I have ever played. It's enough to make me want to listen to loud, satanic music, purchase guns, or join my local gang. My mind is getting numb just holding the game's case! Oh God, the room is getting bright."

Early trailers of the game have shown completely new challenges in GTA levels. In lieu of stealing a car, missions will ask Trevor to borrow his father's car, and compensate him with gas money in return. If the mission goes successfully, then Trevor is rewarded with his parents' love and affection. If a mission goes awry, however, Trevor gets grounded, and the player is forced to sit in Trevor's room for the rest of the gameplay week.

"There's actually a special XBOX Live feature that enables players to be grounded simultaneously," said Locan. "You can look out of Trevor's window and see all of your online community neighbors also dwelling in their room. It's enough to scare the crime out of anybody."

The game is slated for release in early 2010, with a price tag of $279.99.

"Our expectations are that if teenagers buy this game, they won't be able to afford things like marijuana or cigarettes," said Locan. "We're going to make this nation better one mental cleansing at a time."




In an oddly-thrilling matchup, Literary Super Bowl 26 went all the way to its final pages, with the game's winner being decided in overtime.

The Vampires defeated the Wolverines 31-28 on a remarkable last-second field goal, kicked by Robert Pattinson, who also served as the team's quarterback, running back, wide receivers, and tight ends. Not surprisingly, he was later named the game's MVP.

"You know, we sure played like a bunch of vampires tonight," said Pattinson. "I mean, we don't kill people, we live during the daylight, we can eat garlic, and we don't turn into bats, but in basically every other facet besides those, we're some pretty legit vampires."

These remarks come after the Vampires have recently received some flak for not hiring any players of Transylvanian heritage.


"Oh, and I sparkle, too," added Pattinson. "Totally a vampire tonight."

According to attendance figures, the host venue New Orleans Superdome approximated around 72,000 fans, all of which were females between the ages of 12 and 19. Local animal shelters in the area are reporting that the high-pitched sounds caused many dogs to commit suicide.

"It's worse than when Michael Vick came here and beat our Saints," said New Orleans Animal Shelter owner Joan Robbin.


Of course, many literary fans are upset that more significant literature pieces, such as "Brave New World," didn't make it to this year's big game.

"I was really holding out for a Harry Potter upset," said 36-year old wizard wannabe Kelly Gamis. "His books are so intellectual! Maybe next year."

Notable Literary Super Bowls in History:
  • 1984: In a stunning upset, the book "1984" lost to "2001: A Space Odyssey."
  • 1991: "Goodnight Moon" actually manages to win a game.
  • 1994: "I Am Legend" disqualified week before event due to improper grammar in its very title.
  • 2003: "Angels and Demons" wins, the first time a book not in "Oprah's Book Club" wins in the previous eight years.


Above: "Ace Chimpster" saves the world from certain doom on the set of the new Tarantino project.
Photo by: Jeff LaFave.


Fresh off the summer blockbuster hit, "Inglorious Basterds," legendary film director Quentin Tarantino has announced that he has started filming what could possibly be the most incredible movie in the history of the world.

Tarantino, an auteur known for compiling multiple genres of movies in his work, is planning a do-all film that expects to cater to every member of the family.

"I've got everything you want here," said Tarantino. "I've written up some bad-ass motorcycle scenes. Explosions, too. Godzilla makes a cameo appearance. There's some heavy reference of the western genre, as well as some musical numbers. There are mob family plot twists that will blow your fucking mind. Oh! And there's talking monkeys for the kids, too!"

Character actor Samuel L. Jackson has reportedly signed on to play "Ace," a crime-fighting chimpanzee with a smoking problem, who hails from the urban precinct of "none of your goddamn business." According to a press release, Ace is scripted to swear approximately every 4.8 seconds.

"Yeah, I know my movies are for mature people, so if you're not down to pay $12.50 for the most balls-kickingest time you've ever had, then stay home, Sally," said Tarantino. "Somebody had better start engraving my name on every Ocsar. Even those lame 'music score' ones."

Tarantino has held discussions with popular bands regarding his movie soundtrack. He has demanded new, original releases from The Who, Danny Elfman, Elton John, Phil Collins, Dragonforce, Daft Punk, and even The Beatles.
"I'm not asking HOW they get it done, but THAT they get it done," said a confident Tarantino. "I like me some Lennon."

The movie's plot focuses on Ace Chimpster, an undercover detective hired by a clan of ninjas to seek out and murder a group of socialist mad scientists who are plotting to win the Super Bowl. Of course, like all Tarantino films, there is expected to be a major plot twist that will leave moviegoers slack-jawed.

"You might want to put on a helmet when you watch it, because you don't want to make a mess when I blow your mind," said Tarantino.

Tarantino's movie is currently under consideration for a permanent title.

Working titles include:
"Ace Chimpster: The Ape for the Job."
"Big City Dreams"
"Excelsior Chauvinist Blue."
"CheckApe: Get it, Because it's a Monkey?"
"Suck It, Michael Bay. I Can Play This Game."
The movie, which is expected to release in April 2014, is expected to bring in over $12 billion dollars.

"I sure hope I'm alive to see that," said Tarantino movie favorite Uma Thurman.
Exactly one month after storming onstage at the MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West has traveled back in time to interrupt his previous self in order to prevent himself from having ever interrupted Taylor Swift in the first place.

"Hold up Kanye," West said to his September 13th self, "I'm really happy for you, and I'm going to let you finish, but you really need to vent your aggression elsewhere. You turned me into one of the biggest jerks of all time. Of all time!"

The confrontation just offstage left an excited Taylor Swift holding the microphone, where she gave a speech that nobody really cared about anyways.

According to Kanye West's Twitter feed, "yo, i got what i had comin to me, and i deserved every beatdown i gave out to myself, ya herd?"

Kanye West originally appeared on several network late shows in September to plead his case, but broke down in tears several times. After taking a month off from touring, West finally reached the decision that "was best for him and his fans."

According to LaFave News sources, Kanye West traveled through time using a Delorean DMC-12, custom-fitted with a "flux capacitor," thanks to the help of fellow celebrity Christopher Lloyd. 

"What better for the voice of my generation?" asked Lloyd hypothetically. "And if my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're going to see some serious shit."

Kanye West plans to get his career back on track by releasing a new album in early January entitled, "I'm Single-Handedly the Best Thing to Ever Happen to this Earth, and There's Nothing You Can Do To Stop Me." The leading single is titled, "What Are You Going to Do About it, Be Poor?"

LaFave News reporters were able to snag a quick listen to the new track after an interview with West.

It was alright.
 It's the turn of October in thousands of universities across the nation, which can only mean three things: football, friendships, and the flu. Sickly Penn State student Douglas Wells sure hopes he has something better than that.

Wells, who first reported "a slight tickle in his throat" to his floor mates last weekend," is now claiming to LaFave News reporters that he "totally feels a lot worse, like a goat or something."

While many college students in America currently fear the potential outbreak of the H1N1 virus on their campus, Wells is actually hoping that he's coming down with something so significant.

"I mean, just think about how awesome that would sound, man," Wells said over a Skype conversation with LaFave News reporters. Wells appeared shirtless with a surgical mask over his face, though his voice appeared to sound unaffected throughout the conversation.

"We all get the flu, and that just sucks," said Wells. "If I had something worse, like, people would write me cards and make me cookies and stuff. That would be much cooler than just a plain old flu bug."

Doctors suggest that the ingestion of sugary foods while sick can worsen symptoms, including the addition of diarrhea and indigestion. Wells, however, remained unshaken.

"I've been on WebMD all day researching what I have," said Wells, "and I've cut it down to a specific list of about 35 viable options." 

Wells has hinted to LaFave News reporters that he might have a plethora of illnesses, including encephalitis, gonorrhea, insomnia, depression, AIDS, and breast cancer. 

"I'm totally ruined," said Wells, as he reclined in a mushroom chair and played his Playstation 2. "I'm going to tell everyone on the floor."

LaFave News' resident health expert, Tony Gunne, sat down to have a checkup with Wells in his dorm room. After a two-hour interview, Wells has claimed to have suffered from any of the following symptoms:

Symptoms:
-Headache
-Fever
-Sore limbs
-Stiff back/neck
-Inability to stay awake during class.
-A hatred for Strawberry Milk
-A desire to listen to 3OH!3
-Being hungry for Chicago-style pizza
-Fatigue
-Sweating
-Body chills
-A need to do laundry

LaFave News reporters will continue to follow Wells' story, and will provide an update once he is officially diagnosed with an illness.